“Suffering with ourselves”

Today, the term epidemic gets thrown around a lot. It is often the commonly used nomenclature to describe an upward trend that takes us by surprise, or some kind of societal excess. An epidemic of mass shootings, an epidemic of porn addiction, an epidemic of opioids. Depending on the media outlet, there is usually an epidemic of something. Generally speaking, it’s a scientific term pertaining to disease or illness, but at the very least, its connotations signal a certain kind of severity. More recently, we’ve heard a lot about an epidemic of anxiety and depression, and while we must position ourselves for healthy critique of any type of headline, I would probably agree with the claim. One doesn’t have to look far to find meaningful statistics and studies, pointing to the rising rates of anxiety and depression in the United States. Researchers and journalists, like Jean Twenge, Jonathan Haidt, and Johann Hari have engaged this notion with tangible numbers, figures, and narratives that provide some clarity on the issue. There are all sorts of layers to the mental health conversation, and these layers are informed by theology, psychology, anthropology and interpersonal-biology, etc. A pastor, a psychologist, a historian and a culture writer may all give you varying answers as to why it’s gotten so bad. What seems true at face value, is that cultural development is tethered to psychological and emotional well-being. Pathologies like anxiety and depression do not exist in a vacuum. What this doesn’t mean is that there’s only an external locus of control, where things happen to us and we are simply along for the ride. In contrast, human agency is real, and as we are embodied souls hardwired to search for meaning, relief is found working from the inside out. While we certainly exist in a cultural system that impacts our lives, our best chance for change comes from within.

Unearthing the why behind anxiety and depression is not necessarily my present aim. There are great minds, like the above, whom have made it their life’s work to understand the ‘structure’ from different vantage points. You are well served to read their books and articles. The aim here, is to conceptualize what we mean when we say: “I have depression.” Or “I have anxiety.”

We can see and experience the symptoms of anxiety and depression. We’ve undoubtedly been there at some point, or may even find ourselves there as of now. These are real experiences, varying in intensity, and always unpleasant. In my own life, there are times when I have idle time — say, when i’m driving — and I feel these pangs of dread, fear, worry, uncertainty or inadequacy. Intrusive and uninvited feelings that are seemingly external, as if they are happening to me. I may have an innocuous thought pertaining to career, finances, nagging back-pain, or that rattle in the car, and without thinking, I engage the throttle of catastrophe that sends me into thoughts of failure, financial ruin, cancer, or the wheel popping off my car while driving at high speeds on the interstate. We experience these things as being rational, but they are not. Many times, it’s not so specific, but rather, an ‘orb’ of worry about nothing in particular; just the certainty that something isn’t right. It is because of these distressing thoughts and feelings that we dissociate, hide, repress, ignore, and run away. But because we cannot deny the impact, it then becomes a problem to solve, and in our desperation and lack of resources, we unconsciously turn to our most well-practiced methods of self-medication. To the extent that we don’t understand what’s happening within us, we assume that something is happening to us.

At this point I need to parse this out a bit more, as there is risk of being flippant and insensitive. There are events in our lives that can ‘set the table’ for some sort of psychopathology. In other words, there are some very real reasons to be anxious and/or depressed. Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, infertility, futility, health problems, lack of purpose, trauma, etc. We carry these things around in our bodies as evidenced by, our mood, our reactions, our habits of daily living and the way we tell our stories. It must also be said that there are those of us who may be more predisposed to anxiety and depression, in the same way that one is more prone to diabetes, cancer or heart disease. There are genetic factors at play that influence chemical processes in our neurobiology which hold considerable sway over our day-to-day. Here, we often turn to psychopharmacology to help us find our footing, which is generally a good and helpful thing. Medication may be necessary in giving someone a boost, clearing the fog or rounding the edge if they find themselves in perpetual depressive or anxious states. We can elevate one’s daily functioning to help build the coping skills and resources to address their lives.

Psychiatrist and author Curt Thompson, explains that we tend to package up our pathology so we can then attend to it in a way that involves the path of least resistance. This is usually done unconsciously. In contrast, our pathology is actually many different layers of the mind and inner-life, that coagulate into a certain ‘entity’ which we then call depression and anxiety. He goes on to explain that in reality, when we suffer from anxiety and depression, we are actually suffering with ourselves — our experiences, our memories, our stories, and our core beliefs — and it always follows us around. In other words, this is a pathology that can’t be tended to like diabetes or heart disease. For me, the unpleasant pangs of anxiety I feel while in my idle time, are essentially tiny outcroppings of my greatest fears, which are informed by my greatest wounds. Rumination on these things creates neurological superhighways that work to keep ‘the traffic’ moving, and with very few exit ramps. It’s not the mind being sinister, but rather the mind doing exactly what it’s wired to do; to remember, to attach and to learn.

If we are to honor the truth that we are bio-psycho-social selves, we must not take a problem solving approach to poetry. You cannot solve your anxiety and depression in the same way that we set out to solve most things, but you are invited to be an active participant in your healing, by acknowledging that your experiences of anxiety or depression are deeply embedded within your story. This acknowledgement is not an occurrence, but a lengthy process of confrontation of the self. It is in this process that we need help. Maybe professional help, but we may also need the ‘healing properties’ of community, safety, friendship, nature, nutrition, physical activity and service. These things are so important because they work towards disrupting the patterns which we’ve been so accustomed to doing. Its movement towards integration of the bio-psycho-social self. Step one requires humility, which is not the absence of haughtiness, but the willingness to put yourself in the care of others; to be exactly who you are in your present condition. This is the baseline of change.

Simple enough?

Certainly not.

But what is the alternative? And is your story worth it?